Outside the Asylum

Lon Withrow - (book excerpt)

Does the guy that paints the line down the middle of the road, find himself critiquing other people's work when he goes for a drive on his day off?

Here is a good opening dating question:  “What is the total mass of your head in grams?”

When people first get released from Prison, I wonder if they go through a 2 week adjustment period where they can only look and talk to people through their hand held mirror.

After 5 years of hard work and daily training, I was finally able to get my cats to speak.  The first intelligible phrase that they enunciated was "get a life".

No matter how ‘into it’ you are, no one looks cool singing to the radio while they drive.

Recently there has been a big demand for companies who develop Voice Recognition Software.  They are looking to hire people with Tourette’s Syndrome to test their product.

When killing bugs in your home, it’s best to not make eye contact.

One of my cats has a real bad stutter.  I think the hardest part sometimes, is sitting there patiently waiting for her to get the “Meow” out.

I am guaranteed to be 100% dolphin safe.

I once drove through the entire state of Alabama behind a truck.  The truck was hauling garbage.  For about 100 miles I thought the state of Alabama stunk.

If I were to have my lips surgically removed, it would give me the appearance of smiling.  I would always look happy-go-lucky.

The opposite of “going nowhere fast” must be “going somewhere slow.”

What would you think if you went into your dentist’s office and discovered that the dentist had blackened out the teeth of people in all his magazines.  You asked him why and he told you that he wanted his patients to be aware of the importance of taking care of your teeth.

Ever get the idea that Tourette was probably a pretty unpopular guy.

One of the worst jobs in the world must be being one of those people who just sits on the phone all day saying, “the number you reached is not a working number, please check the number and dial it again.” That job would drive me crazy.

On the weekends, my cats always breakout last New Year's Eve noise makers and wake me up at 3:00 on the morning.  No matter where I hide them, they keep finding them.  The pet storeowner warned me that they were 'festive' animals.

I think it would be cool to have a chauffeur wear a tux but be driven around in a 1968 rusted out Chevy Impala.

I would like to have it in my will that when I’m dead and in the open casket wearing a suit that I am wearing a large button on my label that says “Pull my finger.”

I think I would like to have a sculpture done of my head so when I die, they can put the head sticking out of the ground, so I would stare at people as they walked past. 

Exactly where does a snake's neck begin and end?

How long do I have to wait for the National Weather Advisory to give a hurricane my name?

Where do you draw the line between superstition and faith?

The hallucinations weren't having any part of my cold indifference.

If curiosity killed the cat, then mine may be suicidal.

Velcro Money…bad idea.

If you take paper cups and hang them from the front bumper of your car with strings, people will think that you worked for the gas company.

When my parents were married they decided that they wanted the usual 2.4 children.   They had my sister and brother and then me.

What Nazi socio-path invented White Chocolate.  That's not chocolate.  I don't know what it is, but it's not chocolate.

I taught my cats how to sing “for he’s a jolly good fellow.”  When they figured out how to sing it like a barber shop quartet, it kind of creeped me out.

What would you do if you had a really bad stutter and all you wanted to do in life is be the auctioneer at auctions?

Wouldn’t it be unsettling if they learned that cats are capable of solving complex algebraic expressions.

If a person lost a finger in a power tool accident, their chances of become a hand models would be significantly reduced.

If I had a Dalmatian, I would number the dots with a laundry marker and then connect them.

It would look cool if a person shaved his head and had a really life like tattoo of a brain tattooed on their scalp.

I have an idea of taking a clock, like the ones that are on the walls, and inventing a machine to shrink the clocks down to the size of a quarter.  I would then tie a piece of string onto the clock and sell the shrunk clocks to people to wear on their wrist.  I would call them, Shrunk Clocks.

If I had children, I would teach them to run around Kamikaze style into people's knees at airports.

Do people who own Ford Escorts but drive Limos for a living experience an adjustment anxiety disorder?